as you can see it’s been a long time since i last wrote. I fell in love with a man on the internet. It didn’t work out. I was hurt badly. A few months later I met another man on the internet and at first we started chatting for a while, then he started calling me everyday. It was difficult for me at first because I didn’t know if I could trust him after what happened to me before. I took a chance though. After a while we were talking for hours. Again I was in love. One night on the phone he asked me to marry him. I said yes without hesitation. It felt right and it still does. His name is philippe, he’s french, and he lives and works in the u.k. We made plans for me to fly over there at the end of november and stay a few weeks. A friend of mine from a depression list I’m on was in the hospital and I planned on visiting her also. A week before I was due to leave, my friend killed herself in the hospital. I finally got to meet her at her funeral. It tore me to pieces. Just a few months earlier, another friend of mine also killed herself. I do know what it’s like now to be on the other side when someone you care for commits suicide. I wish I could say that now I never think of wanting to be dead but I can’t. I still have many periods of depression that I just can’t fight anymore.

anyway, back to my new relationship with philippe. The 3 weeks we spent together were wonderful. Philippe is wonderful. We started making plans for me and the kids to move there at the end of the school year. After I left, the more we talked on the phone, we both agreed we just didn’t want to be apart any longer. We pushed up the date to february, then march, then finally made plane reservations. I was so excited. The kids were ok with it until it started getting to the time we would leave. Their main complaint was that they wanted to finish the school year. After much talking me, chris, and dillon set out for the u.k. my sister diana was not at all happy about dillon leaving or me sort of, I guess. I had a hard time leaving j.d. behind. He has only a little more than a year before he graduates and doesn’t want to miss it. He didn’t want to leave his friends or more importantly, his girlfriend behind. There are many days I still miss him. I call him and we talk but I suppose at 17, a boy doesn’t want to show his feeling too much.

at this time I am still fighting depression. I’ve been on a rollercoaster ride. Btw, back in july of 1999, I was diagnosed bipolar. I don’t get manic very often but after I do I crash into depression very hard and fast. This past february, I was back in the hospital for 3 weeks. This time they messed around with my meds every other day until they finally got the right combo. At this time I believe it may be time to have a dosage change but I don’t have a doctor here yet.

hopefully I won’t take as long a time to update what’s happening to me. Stay safe and hugs to all that read this far.

hi again. haven't been doing too well lately. the rollercoaster ride is getting worse. i'm out of most of my meds and that seems to be the problem. i love the feeling of mania but it doesn't last long and then i crash bigtime. this has been happening on a daily basis. i am finally getting a new prescription filled for the depakote today but it still will take weeks to get it working right. i don't know if i have that much time left. i'm tired of this daily cycling. i can't go on much longer like this. on top of everything else philippe and i have been fighting a lot. it could be because of my lack of medication. i don't know. all i know is that i get upset at the drop of a hat these days. many times for something totally stupid. how does he put up with me? yesterday he asked me why do i treat him like shit. i don't know. i really don't. yes i do treat him that way. i wish i didn't. he says it's my illness. i don't totally agree. i'm not a nice person. i wish i were. i can't convince people of that and then i end up hurting them. how much will philippe take before he says it's enough. i hope that day never appears.

in september i met with malc and we had sex. thinking of him all the time was tormenting me. i really wanted to love only philippe and one of my reasons for doing this, though lame, was to get him out of my system. i've wanted to sleep with him for a long time and we finally had the opportunity so we took it. it was a huge mistake. anyway i ended up telling philippe all about it when i was in the states over the phone. i was really depressed, not about that but something else. philippe sort of knew it happened and in his own way pushed me to the point of telling him the truth. i knew the moment i slept with malc that this would hurt philippe but i blocked it out of my mind. i honestly never wanted to hurt him. i was being selfish as always and didn't want to think of anyone else. philippe forgave me but it was a major turning point in our relationship. his knowing this didn't cause a change (that was already happening) but i feel that it definately got him thinking more clearly.

i came back home near the end of october. there was no noticeable change at the time. i did start spending more time on the pc though. while away i found an msn chat room that i liked. i met some great people there and also did some stupid stuff. philippe couldn't understand why i spent time in a chat room that was listed under romance. to this day i don't know either. i just know that i liked going there and i enjoyed getting attenting from other men. i knew this could be a sign of trouble in our relationship but i wasn't ready to stop. i got to the point of telling philippe i didn't know what i wanted anymore. that went over well! he got to the point of making me chose because he couldn't go on like this anymore. i chose to let him go. subconsciously i didn't let him go though. i didn't want us to end. he didn't either but he made a decision to accept my decision. in the meantime i stayed still and he moved forward without me. after much thinking he found that my illness had become too much for him. i was bringing him down with me and he wasn't going to let that happen anymore. things continued this way for almost 2 months. he was healing himself and i was living in my fantasy world or tophy world as trudy puts it. at the beginning he still asked me if he could still adopt dillon and if i would still marry him. i remember this distinctly. our plans were still to move to the states but sooner than originally planned. he's just not making the money here that he could in the usa. the cost of living is horrible here also.

a couple of weeks before christmas we had another serious conversation. this time reality hit me in the face big time. marriage never came up except to tell me that it's not going to happen. we're still all going to the states. his friend shawn, who lives in alaska, was looking into sponsoring him. there are a lot of jobs there that need his skills. well sad to say i didn't take this very well. at the time the news threw me into the pit big time, crying and everything. i think back on all the times i wished i could cry and couldn't. i made up for those times. now i wish i could shut them off again. he explained all that he's going through and i understood and hated myself for hurting him so much. i felt this way until a few days before christmas. one night i just decided this was it. i couldn't go on anymore. i was ready to end it. as you see i didn't. it wasn't easy but i came out of it all by myself. once i got through it i felt like a changed person. i started to think differently. i decided i wanted to be happy and i want to live to see that come true. all my life i've come so close to it and then i sabotage it because i'm afraid. still working on why i'm afraid. i thought it wasn't meant for me to be happy. all that i could think of is everything that has happened to me over the years. i decided that i have to work through all that even though i'm afraid to go through that pain again. i will do it though. i want to do it. i want to be happy.

i know this is getting long and i should update more often. thoughout the month of december i watched as philippe fell in love with shawn, the woman from alaska. by christmas i knew he loved her. i wonder now how i ever got through that time period. he didn't even know about the feelings he had for her. i brought the subject up one night as we were talking. it got him thinking. a few days later he admitted to himself his feelings. i convinced him to tell her about them. he did and she loves him too. believe it or not i am very happy for them. they have found their soulmates. since then he's asked her to marry him and she accepted. there are times that i am sad that things didn't work out for us but i now know that we are not right for each other. we are moving to alaska though my children and i are going out there first. not sure when though. this way he can save money for himself and to help me out. i can also get a job and start saving myself. she has offered us a place to stay and has also found me a job at a daycare. she's a special lady and i really like her. i think we can become friends. as for my future i hope i find in my life what they have. philippe says i will and all i can do is believe him though i still have my doubts sometime. the beast inside my head keeps telling me that i'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life but i know i shouldn't believe him. this break-up of ours is different from most. we are still together though not together. it's difficult at times but i agree with philippe that this is a good way of doing it. we want to remain friends and stay close to one another. he is becoming my best friend though i still have difficulty talking to him about what's going on in my head. i hope someday i can get beyond that. he is still going to adopt dillon. he considers him his son and dillon considers philippe his father. many things have come from our relationship but i think this is the best one. both the boys love him and if he could adopt chris he would. i have jimmy to blame for that but that's another story. to a point i understand but there are many things i still don't understand concerning jimmy. philippe wants to take care of me and the kids for the rest of his life. he feels he owes me this. i feel differently. number one i do need to get back on my feet and rely upon myself again. the other thing is that he isn't the only one to blame here. actually i don't blame him at all. i blame myself. he did what he needed to to survive. how could you blame someone for that?

oh well i'll end this now and will update again soon, i promise. :)